Field placement issues, vacation, Christmas…
It has been one thing after another in the month of December, and I feel as though I have barely had time breathe. There is so much I could talk about in this post. Everything I want to touch on will have to be split up into about 3 or 4 posts. Right now, I want to talk about the single aspect that threads all of these events together: chronic illness.
Chronic illness causes more issues in my life. It is the single cause for my field placement being taken out from under me, for making the trip across country 10 times more difficult than I anticipated, and for causing an extreme amount of tiredness on Christmas leading me to sleep away about 2 or 3 hours in the afternoon.
Right before Christmas, I took a trip with my boyfriend out west to see where he grew up and to visit with family. I did not anticipate the struggles I faced while I was there. Of course, I knew that some things may be challenging, but I was in for a rude awakening; the busy 4 day trip was a big wake up call that my illnesses affect me more than I even realize. At home, I am so used to my own routine. Because my field placement has not started yet, I spend most of my days doing school work, working from home, and going to appointments here and there. I have not had to physically push or exert myself for the past 6 months after my last field placement ended. This trip, though a lot of fun, was very difficult and tested my body more than once. I have not flown on a plane in at least a couple of years. Flying is exhausting, I learned. Thank goodness for wheelchairs, otherwise I would not be able to make it through the airport. A different climate takes it’s toll on one’s body as well. My first full day on the trip, I started feeling very weak, shaky, and dizzy/lightheaded. In fact, I met a close friend of mine and for the first 10 minutes of our time together, I seriously was wondering if I was going to end up on the floor of the Starbucks – I felt that bad. Almost any time I rode in the car, I lied in the back seat with a pillow and blanket. Any free moment I had, I crashed in bed. There were a few moments where I felt a meltdown coming. Conversations started out good, but 30 minutes into it I would begin to zone out. I realized on this trip that maybe I am not as okay as I originally thought. My head always fills with doubts about my illnesses (thank you, OCD). Due to the nature of OCD, no matter how bad I feel, the thoughts will always come. Sure enough, the doubts crept up as soon as I returned home (despite the overwhelming exhaustion). However, maybe I needed this trip to show me that I am not invincible, that I do have to take it slow, that my illnesses are very much real and wreak havoc on my life even when it is not obvious. Being thrown into a different environment and an alternate climate really took a toll on my physical health. Ever since getting home, I have slept away almost every afternoon. I had a bad pre-syncope episode on Christmas Eve. Despite it all though, I would not take that trip back for anything. I am realizing more than ever that with my conditions, it is a give and take. It is one step forward and two steps back. I can do the things I want to do with modifications. I may pay for the activities I do or trips I take. But what fun would life be if I didn’t do those things? If I didn’t risk my medical conditions flaring for a good time every so often?
So that is where I am at right now. I went to bed at 8:30 last night due to complete exhaustion. But I have tools to help me. I have family and friend support. I had a wonderful Christmas and I am so blessed to have others looking out for my health.
If you are struggling this holiday season, no matter what it is, know that you are not alone. We can make it through. “I get by with a little help from my friends.”