It was a rainy afternoon with not much going on. I was inside my family home playing with my dog. She loves her toys, and can be a ball of energy when she wants to be. My mom was cleaning, and had Alexa playing her favorite songs. “Blackbird” by The Beatles started to play, and my mom began to sing along. “I love this song!” she said, as her face lit up. Rarely does my mom listen to music, and it was nice to see her enjoying her old favorites. I have heard this song quite a few times, but never really listened to the lyrics up until that point. “Are you my little blackbird?” my mom asked. I smiled. It was a meaningful, almost heavy smile, because as I listened to the song, a surge of emotions ran through me. I felt as if this song was speaking to me, and I could not believe I never bothered to really listen sooner. I fell in love with the melody, with the lyrics.
You see, throughout the last seven or eight years, I have been to hell and back. I lost myself. I felt trapped in this living nightmare and I did not know how to break free. Anorexia had a strong hold on me. Quite honestly, I never thought I would ever get better. I thought Anorexia was my life sentence. Then, something happened. A switch went off, or maybe it was years of hard work I did not even realize, because it WAS difficult. So difficult. The greatest struggle I have ever had to endure. BUT – I broke out of that spiral of self-destruction. I still struggle with anxiety, quite a bit sometimes, and my body image could definitely use some work, but I am getting there. I am growing. I am improving. I am learning to love me. It is a slow process that sometimes seems non existent from how it just inches along at times.
“Take these sunken eyes and learn to see.”
At my worst, I was skeletal. Bones protruding, dark circles under my eyes, and a pale, lifeless face. An additional 30 lbs, 2 inpatient stays, and one hospital trip later, I am here to tell my story. My eyes have life again, and I can see much more clearly than when I was bound by my eating disorder. I was blind to the truth, to what really matters in life.
“Take these broken wings and learn to fly.”
I was broken. Completely and utterly shattered – left to pick up these pieces that were scattered every which way. There were so many moments I did not believe or know how I would make it through. But I’ve taken this struggle, this immense obstacle I was faced with, and have tried to find the good from it. My broken wings are being mended and repaired a little more each day. I know there is a long road ahead. I am just in the beginning stages of overcoming my anxiety and OCD, but the eating disorder, the life-sucking parasite that plagued me for seven years, no longer has a hold on me. I am proud of myself, but even more so: thankful, oh so thankful. I could not have done this without God. I am forever grateful.
Despite my current limitations with anxiety and physical illness, I am learning to fly.
That little Blackbird ❤